The main target of their aggression was always my weight. I remember being 10 years old and weighing a good 90 or so pounds. It didn't come as a shock to me, but it still stung.
In high school, I slimmed out a little bit. However, this didn't last forever. I would put on a few, lose a few, put on a few, lose a few. In my senior year, I breached 200 pounds.
During my first marriage, I ballooned to 285 pounds at the peak. I became comfortable; too comfortable.
When I divorced my first husband, I lost a lot of weight and happily sat at 164 pounds. I hadn't weighed that little since high school.
This didn't last too long. When I started dating my husband now, I started to slowly inflate like a hot air balloon.
Now, 4 years later, married for almost a year to a wonderful man, I've become complacent once again and sit back at 263.5 pounds.
I have always been the fat kid. Ever since the bullying years (the Dark Ages I call them), I have always been that round, plump little punching bag. Amongst my friends, I still feel that title fits me. While not all of my friends are supermodel thin, I still feel that the weight sits on me in the ugliest way it possibly can.
I have sagging upper arms, a kangaroo pouch I hide with high rise jeans, thighs that mock Redwood trunks, jowls that jiggle when I laugh, and these weird as fuck rolls that seem to connect with my boobs so they just make them look like man boobs.
Keep in mind, my husband always tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, etc. That's what husbands are supposed to say, but he is genuine about it. This doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and hating the face that stares frowning back at me.
I have always been the fat kid. I still am. When I lost that weight four years ago, I was over the moon. I looked fucking fantastic and I really wish that I hadn't found complacency again. But I did and I only have myself to blame.
I lost all that weight doing juice fasts and I didn't take into account that all I lost really was water weight. It came back so quickly.
I'll look at my best friend all the time and just gush at her body. Not in a sexual way, but seriously. She's a fucking hottie. She has this perfect hourglass curve about her. Nice ass. Nicely sculpted jawline with not a single ounce of fat. But she isn't TOO skinny, you know what I mean? Standing next to her makes me feel like the fat character you always see in cartoon films.
The one that's there for comic relief. The one you barely see, but giggle at because when she falls down, and jiggles, you laugh because you've become conditioned to think fat people are hilarious.
We can't help it, a lot of our society is built around physical beauty.
That isn't what I want to achieve though. I know that I am a beautiful woman to my husband and friends. But I want to feel that same affection toward myself. Not just physically, but emotionally.
When I look at myself in a mirror these days, or rather any time I ever have in my life, I don't see a beautiful woman. I see a blob. And sometimes I expect to be noticed by horror film directors that want to cast me as The Blob in a re imagining of the 1958 cult film.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my stomach slowly ooze downward into this kind of....mass that lays tucked between my knees and boobs. When my husband holds me at night, it bugs me that his arm can't seem to go all the way around my waist.
I'm so fucking tired of feeling these things.
I've been tired for a while.
I've tried many diets in my life. Fad diets, quick fix diets, you name it, I've tried it. You know what my fucking problem is?
I get bored.
I get impatient.
I want to stay in my comfort zone and I don't want anyone to penetrate that.
That's my huge issue. When I start a diet, I'm all jazzed about it at first.
I'll tell EVERYONE I know what I'm doing and feed off of the support and encouraging words. I'll do great for about a week and then I have the "cheat day". I have that because I can feel the temptation slowly creeping its way back up my brain stem. After the cheat day, I slow down a little. I realize that this is harder than I thought it'd be and I start to feel the withdrawal from lack of sugar and carbs. So I have another cheat day. After that second one, it's all downhill from there.
Whatever I might have lost, I gain it back in the blink of an eye.
But do you know where that problem starts?
I tell everyone I know before I even start.
That's one of the biggest problems in dieting: If you tell ANYONE what you're doing, for some reason it ruins your chances.
At least it has in my experience.
And do you know why?
Because now, you've set up expectations from not just yourself but everyone around you.
The pressure builds, and eventually you feel like you can't live up to those expectations anymore.
So, why did I start a blog about it? Wouldn't that be counterproductive considering what I just said?
No. See the thing is, if I tell people I don't know, people whose faces I can't see, I don't feel they expect as much as people who know me and see me every single day. That's another fucking problem I have honestly.
The people around me seem to expect so much from me, and that is a lot of pressure. ESPECIALLY from my mother. I love her to death, but I know how much she expects from me in multiple areas, so much so it can be stifling at times. I try my best, but sometimes I don't feel I try hard enough.
So in starting a blog, I feel detached. Because really this is my goal. MINE. No one else's, but I have to keep some kind of record for the future.
Sure I could just keep a journal. But I don't much like writing with a pen. And to be honest, my ego as a writer compels me to share what I write and what I have to say. It's a bit of a vice if I'm being honest.
Also, admittedly, I don't mind encouragement every now and again. So I suppose you could say this is just our little secret.
For me and for whoever the hell you are.
I'm not even telling my husband. I admit, the thought of hearing him ask "Have you lost weight?" kind of makes me giddy. Because I know he'll notice. He likes to hold me around the waist. And as it hopefully shrinks over time, hearing that will make me happy. I just hope I don't burst and let out our little secret.
I'm not even telling my 3 best friends. None of them. Honestly it's because I don't want the novel loads of advice they'll pile on top of me. (If they ever see this in the future, I'm sorry guys but I do need to do this on my own for once.) It's not that I don't appreciate their advice. It's that I've become somewhat dependent on that. And that's not fair. I shouldn't burden any of them with asking what I should do.
One thing I've figured out over the course of my life is that the only time I ever get anything productive done is if I do it alone. I may be a team player in other areas, but with things that take this much dedication, I have to do it solo. Otherwise, it won't get done. That's just how I roll I guess.
If you are here, thanks for being here. I don't mean to sound off putting. I really do appreciate you if you are here.
You can sit back quietly and read whatever I post about whatever is happening during this process that is so horridly named "weight loss". Or you can comment. Whichever you prefer.
You could call this the first step on a LONG path.
So, what's the plan? How am I going to do this?
Well for starters, I'm cutting soda. (Good bye, sweet Root Beer. You are the nectar of life and I'm going to miss you.)
This is something I watched my friend Bernie (who I call brother) do a long time ago. He slimmed down FAST after cutting that bull shit from his life.
I'm also going to avoid....chocolate. Good bye, basic white bitch snack of ages. I'll miss you, too. Chocolate is a HUGE vice for anyone struggling with weight issues. So is ice cream. Which is also off the menu.
God dammit.
I'm going to cut down on the bread intake. Which sucks when you're Italian. This means anything carb loaded is going on the back burner. Fuck...just saying that makes me wanna eat some of the leftover pasta in the fridge. But I won't.
These seem typical and kind of obvious, I know. But I have to tell myself these things. Because I always somehow find an excuse to bring them back into my diet and I can't do that.
I remember at one point I lost 50 pounds during my juicing days, in between fasts mind you, while I was still eating regular food just by taking lots of walks. I have a new puppy, and she needs to be leash trained.
So there I'll kill two birds with one massive stone. I like to take walks, I just need to work up the gumption to do it. And in the Arizona heat, it's not always easy.
BUT it looks like Monsoon Season is finally here, so the evenings will be much cooler and therefore it'll be more tempting to go outside and take a walk. I have routes planned. I might even go to the park. Where there are.....people.....
I won't JUST take walks, I also have little workouts planned for before I go to work. I even threw in some yoga plans. Yoga for weight loss. My sister does yoga all the time and she's a freaking beauty. Gotta count for something, right?
I'm not counting calories. Because fuck that. I've done that so many times before, and while it works for some people it really isn't for everyone. So I'm not doing it. Period.
What I WILL do however is watch my portions. Because that IS an issue I struggle with.
Pizza? 4 slices please.
Not anymore. Because I'm not gonna eat pizza. (I'm dying inside. But I'll live again.)
The short of it is I'm cutting the bad crap and I'm gonna be more active. My lifestyle is horrifically sedentary. I drive a medi-cab that takes people to doctor's offices. So I sit, all day. Unless I get out to stretch my legs. Then when I get home I'm on my laptop most of the time.
I've gotta get out more. But there are.....people.....
Here's to the start of it. Whether I'll have anyone reading this or not, I don't know. But it is nice to get this all into a constructive setting. Writing is something I wanna do for a living, because it's what I am best at. So there's no better way to get the ball rolling on this really.
Again, if you're here, GREAT! I'd love to see more of you.
Fingers crossed, everyone. It's gonna be a bumpy, if not jiggly, ride to the main goal of 140 pounds.
If you're counting, that's 123.5 pounds to lose.
Catch you on the flip side.
