Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you!
SO. After sitting down and thinking long and hard about my plans for everything, I figured out a solid plan for my weight loss.
I am going to buy a 365 day planner and write out what I'm going to do each day, for how long, etc etc. I'm going to take one picture every week and write down my progress. I got a little bit of spending cash for Christmas this year, so I'm going to use that to buy the planner and a scale.
Each Monday, I'm going to write down my progress. I'm going to write down my weight, measurements, pulse etc. This way I can easily track my progress without getting too impatient.
I've been told to do this before, yet I've never really done it. It's kind of perfect, considering the 1st is on a Monday. It's the perfect day to start. Realizing that my biggest problem was, indeed, impatience, I decided that this method probably would be best. Regardless of how impatient I got in the past, I think I've disciplined myself a lot over the past few years with it.
With this planner, I'm going to fill up each day with workout routines that I've picked off of pinterest and a couple of other sites. I'll designate days for each section of my body I want to work on and end each of them with a walk, letting the walks get steadily longer and longer the more fit I get.
I figure Monday can be my belly and chest day. Tuesday could be leg and ass day. Wednesday is arm day. With some cardio and Yoga in between.
I've never thought this thoroughly on any workout plan in my life. EVER. I've even gone so far as to plan out ways to stay off of soda. I hear tell that drinking warm water with honey, lemon and cinnamon is a GREAT way to detox and jump start fat burning and metabolism. I decided I can start each morning with a glass of that and drink LOTS of water throughout the day. Which I never do really. My husband drinks so much soda, I get tempted by that every time he has one. BUT if I'm already drinking a lot of water and filling up my belly with that, I won't be so tempted to suck on the sugary teet of the soda bottle.
With portion control, I'm going to take my mom's advice and use smaller plates for myself. There's a psychology thing she read that says filling a smaller plate tricks the brain into thinking you're eating more. This will do fine with my brain even if I know what I'm doing. It's worked for me in the past, I just need to stick with it.
With things like bread (which I eat waaaaaaay too much.) I figure I'll only have it once in a while to start and eventually find alternatives. This isn't an easy thing to do with the budget we have but I'll make it work.
I've already kind of started trying to be better, even around the holidays which is almost impossible. I didn't have my usual 2 plates of food. I stuck with one and didn't even want to finish THAT. I was kind of proud of that. Even if I did have a little bit more on the plate than I should have, I still felt good about not finishing it all and that I didn't go beyond that one plate.
As for everything else, I'm still trying to work out a system for that. I figured I'd tackle this first since it's my immediate goal. I'll post the weekly pictures and measurements and everything to track my progress here and not just in my planner. That way if anyone ever does decide to stop by this blog, they can go along with me for the ride. I'm very excited, but trying not to get my hopes up too high that it'll happen overnight because I know very well that it won't.
Wish me luck!
I hope you all had a safe, happy holiday!
Monday, December 25, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
Well, I'm Back and Still Fat...But Not for Long
I realize it's been MONTHS since I've started this.
I admit, I haven't even begun to step forward into my goals.
I could spoon feed excuses as to why, but I won't bore any of you with those. Because that's all they are: excuses.
Sure, stress takes a huge toll on people doing this sort of thing, but I've given excuses all of my life and I honestly don't think now is the time to keep giving them.
So, I'll cut right to the chase. I'm still doing this.
I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple of days. I don't just want to lose weight, I want to change a lot of things. It seems a little typical around this time of year.
New Year's is approaching, the time where everyone makes empty promises and only 50% of the people making them keep them. But I have this feeling that if there's a time to change it's now. I can't really explain why.
It could be that I'm watching everyone around me do these great things and I'm not. I've always made great plans but left those plans in the junk drawer after only a couple of days or weeks. I'll start a YouTube channel, get overwhelmed and give up. I'll start trying to lose weight, try it, give up. I'll think of an exciting book idea, start it, give up.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. My mom has always told me I'm the most determined person she knows, that when I want something, dammit I'm gonna get it.
And she's right. In a lot of things I have literally put my teeth to the grind stone and gotten things done and succeeded. And yet...here I am. 29, working at the post office, no room to move upward at all, in debt, depressed, fat, and quite frankly bored.
I see people my age accomplishing all these glorious things and I have nothing to show for myself. I often ask myself why that is. Like with this blog. After that first post I was jazzed about getting the ball rolling and yet...I didn't do anything with it.
I mean...I'm down 3 pounds, but I didn't work for it. I got stressed and sick. That's all.
After I wrote that first post, I was so determined to get it right, and then I just...I dunno. I guess I crumbled under the weight of my own expectations.
Maybe that's my problem. Not just worrying about other people's expectations, but also my own.
In everything I try to do I have this "Overnight" mentality. If things don't work out right away, I get so impatient. I get so sick of myself when it comes to that.
But, in thinking about all of this the past few days, I kind of had an epiphany.
While working today, I was thinking about all of the things I want to improve about myself.
That's when it hit me, the word IMPROVE was new.
Whenever I try to do something new, it's because I'm trying to change myself. Not for the better or (god forbid) the worst, but just in general. I try to change who I am, what I do and how I do it rather than just accepting that a lot of what I do is flawed and trying to improve it.
I couldn't believe it when I thought of it. I honestly felt kind of like a dumbass.
Ok I am a dumbass, but hear me out.
I'm not a perfect person. I know this. Everyone knows they're not perfect. But with me, I've never really...liked myself. And yet I advocate for self love and being true to yourself and all that Disney Princess style advice you hear all the time. Because I believe in it...just not when it comes to myself.
So then I thought "If I'm so insistent on people being that way for themselves, why am I not like that for myself?" And then I thought "Is that why nothing seems to be going anywhere for me? Because I keep trying to change rather than improve?"
Now there's a thought.
Mom, if you're reading this, you can take full credit for it all. Because as usual, you're right.
You always were and you always are.
She's always told me stuff like this, but as the stereotypical child I am, I never LISTEN. I mean...I listen...but I don't LISTEN.
I hear the words but I don't absorb them and take them to heart when I very well should.
For YEARS she's told me to just think about things that need improvement and work on myself, take better care of myself, work on stuff.
In my mind that always meant "Change what you're doing."
Instead of "Improve what you're already doing."
Sure, change is good in some ways. But in this case, I don't need it.
I just need to improve myself. While I'm not perfect, I know somewhere deep down that I'm not complete scum. I just need to scrub a little to see myself more clearly.
So, know what I'm gonna do?
Not only am I going to lose the weight I wanna lose, with hard work, I'm going to improve a few other things about myself that quite frankly have needed a spit shine for a while now.
Sounds so girly...which I'm usually not, but...I want to improve how I present myself.
Most girls use makeup for this, every time I've worn makeup it's been kind of a flop. I'm not good at it. So I wanna improve those skills.
I also want to work on doing my own hair in cute ways and shit. Just because I want to look nice, you know? Not even necessarily for anyone else, sometimes it's nice to look...nice...even if it's just for yourself.
I want to clear up my skin. I have terrible acne and I admit, I'm not exactly IN with the routines that other women have to keep their skin looking super clear and all...porcelainy.
I want to grow my hair out. LONG. This is something I've thought of doing for years. Yet every time I get to the halfway point I cut my hair off. It bugs eeeeeeveryone around me that I do this. I have super thick hair, so that's always my excuse.
I want to become more organized.
Admittedly, living with a man who thinks that organizing his socks means throwing them in one big ball into the drawer has kind of tampered with my head. I can be a neat freak sometimes, but other times I look at him and just say "Fuck it. I don't wanna fold my socks." Which I really should because that drawer is a mess. But not just in a cleanliness sort of way either.
I want to be able to balance my life better. Balance my finances, my hobbies, my work, and time with the people I care about. I admit, I'm not that great when it comes to that. Most of the time if I'm not working or spending time with my husband, I'm vegging out. How basic white bitch of me....eww.
I want to learn a new hobby. Like guitar or piano. Or improve my singing. I have these fantasies of doing a cover channel on YouTube but my singing is sub par and I can only play the flute. Can't exactly sing and do that at the same time.
I also want to improve my video editing. I LOVE to do it. I like creating cool stuff on my laptop just from video clips and music. I have a few made up that people have really liked. I want more of that. And better too.
I want to have a workout routine. I don't just wanna do it once or twice a week and call it good. I want to make it a part of what I do every day. Ok maybe not every SINGLE day but at least something. They say that repetition creates a habit and it's very true. I wanna be able to become a healthy person and do stuff like that. It would also give me more time to spend with my dogs. They need more walks, they deserve it.
This one is a little silly, but I want to start a new Instagram just for pictures of whatever I feel like posting. And I want to make it interesting. I love photography, and it's something I've been wanting to get back into. I want my camera back first. But I have so many ideas I just want to share with people.
I want to start my own business with social media. I wasn't kidding when I said I've started a YouTube channel every time I get an idea. But it ALWAYS flops. ALWAYS. Because I give up too quickly. I want to be able to do it and be successful at it.
Most importantly, I want to finish my book. On top of all of what I just said, this one is the one that means more to me than anything. Except my health and weight. I've been working on the damn thing for two years and keep going months without working on it. I NEED to finish it. I want to publish it before next year and dammit I'm going to if it kills me.
I know that's a LOT, but I'm formulating a plan to get the ball rolling on a lot of this. The first step is discovering what I need to improve in order to get these all started.
First things first: admitting that I have a LOT to work on.
My weight
My social skills
My maturity
My laziness
My impulsiveness
And most importantly: My outlook.
No time like the present, right?
Step One: Get it off my chest, then get up and fucking do it.
I admit, I haven't even begun to step forward into my goals.
I could spoon feed excuses as to why, but I won't bore any of you with those. Because that's all they are: excuses.
Sure, stress takes a huge toll on people doing this sort of thing, but I've given excuses all of my life and I honestly don't think now is the time to keep giving them.
So, I'll cut right to the chase. I'm still doing this.
I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple of days. I don't just want to lose weight, I want to change a lot of things. It seems a little typical around this time of year.
New Year's is approaching, the time where everyone makes empty promises and only 50% of the people making them keep them. But I have this feeling that if there's a time to change it's now. I can't really explain why.
It could be that I'm watching everyone around me do these great things and I'm not. I've always made great plans but left those plans in the junk drawer after only a couple of days or weeks. I'll start a YouTube channel, get overwhelmed and give up. I'll start trying to lose weight, try it, give up. I'll think of an exciting book idea, start it, give up.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. My mom has always told me I'm the most determined person she knows, that when I want something, dammit I'm gonna get it.
And she's right. In a lot of things I have literally put my teeth to the grind stone and gotten things done and succeeded. And yet...here I am. 29, working at the post office, no room to move upward at all, in debt, depressed, fat, and quite frankly bored.
I see people my age accomplishing all these glorious things and I have nothing to show for myself. I often ask myself why that is. Like with this blog. After that first post I was jazzed about getting the ball rolling and yet...I didn't do anything with it.
I mean...I'm down 3 pounds, but I didn't work for it. I got stressed and sick. That's all.
After I wrote that first post, I was so determined to get it right, and then I just...I dunno. I guess I crumbled under the weight of my own expectations.
Maybe that's my problem. Not just worrying about other people's expectations, but also my own.
In everything I try to do I have this "Overnight" mentality. If things don't work out right away, I get so impatient. I get so sick of myself when it comes to that.
But, in thinking about all of this the past few days, I kind of had an epiphany.
While working today, I was thinking about all of the things I want to improve about myself.
That's when it hit me, the word IMPROVE was new.
Whenever I try to do something new, it's because I'm trying to change myself. Not for the better or (god forbid) the worst, but just in general. I try to change who I am, what I do and how I do it rather than just accepting that a lot of what I do is flawed and trying to improve it.
I couldn't believe it when I thought of it. I honestly felt kind of like a dumbass.
Ok I am a dumbass, but hear me out.
I'm not a perfect person. I know this. Everyone knows they're not perfect. But with me, I've never really...liked myself. And yet I advocate for self love and being true to yourself and all that Disney Princess style advice you hear all the time. Because I believe in it...just not when it comes to myself.
So then I thought "If I'm so insistent on people being that way for themselves, why am I not like that for myself?" And then I thought "Is that why nothing seems to be going anywhere for me? Because I keep trying to change rather than improve?"
Now there's a thought.
Mom, if you're reading this, you can take full credit for it all. Because as usual, you're right.
You always were and you always are.
She's always told me stuff like this, but as the stereotypical child I am, I never LISTEN. I mean...I listen...but I don't LISTEN.
I hear the words but I don't absorb them and take them to heart when I very well should.
For YEARS she's told me to just think about things that need improvement and work on myself, take better care of myself, work on stuff.
In my mind that always meant "Change what you're doing."
Instead of "Improve what you're already doing."
Sure, change is good in some ways. But in this case, I don't need it.
I just need to improve myself. While I'm not perfect, I know somewhere deep down that I'm not complete scum. I just need to scrub a little to see myself more clearly.
So, know what I'm gonna do?
Not only am I going to lose the weight I wanna lose, with hard work, I'm going to improve a few other things about myself that quite frankly have needed a spit shine for a while now.
Sounds so girly...which I'm usually not, but...I want to improve how I present myself.
Most girls use makeup for this, every time I've worn makeup it's been kind of a flop. I'm not good at it. So I wanna improve those skills.
I also want to work on doing my own hair in cute ways and shit. Just because I want to look nice, you know? Not even necessarily for anyone else, sometimes it's nice to look...nice...even if it's just for yourself.
I want to clear up my skin. I have terrible acne and I admit, I'm not exactly IN with the routines that other women have to keep their skin looking super clear and all...porcelainy.
I want to grow my hair out. LONG. This is something I've thought of doing for years. Yet every time I get to the halfway point I cut my hair off. It bugs eeeeeeveryone around me that I do this. I have super thick hair, so that's always my excuse.
I want to become more organized.
Admittedly, living with a man who thinks that organizing his socks means throwing them in one big ball into the drawer has kind of tampered with my head. I can be a neat freak sometimes, but other times I look at him and just say "Fuck it. I don't wanna fold my socks." Which I really should because that drawer is a mess. But not just in a cleanliness sort of way either.
I want to be able to balance my life better. Balance my finances, my hobbies, my work, and time with the people I care about. I admit, I'm not that great when it comes to that. Most of the time if I'm not working or spending time with my husband, I'm vegging out. How basic white bitch of me....eww.
I want to learn a new hobby. Like guitar or piano. Or improve my singing. I have these fantasies of doing a cover channel on YouTube but my singing is sub par and I can only play the flute. Can't exactly sing and do that at the same time.
I also want to improve my video editing. I LOVE to do it. I like creating cool stuff on my laptop just from video clips and music. I have a few made up that people have really liked. I want more of that. And better too.
I want to have a workout routine. I don't just wanna do it once or twice a week and call it good. I want to make it a part of what I do every day. Ok maybe not every SINGLE day but at least something. They say that repetition creates a habit and it's very true. I wanna be able to become a healthy person and do stuff like that. It would also give me more time to spend with my dogs. They need more walks, they deserve it.
This one is a little silly, but I want to start a new Instagram just for pictures of whatever I feel like posting. And I want to make it interesting. I love photography, and it's something I've been wanting to get back into. I want my camera back first. But I have so many ideas I just want to share with people.
I want to start my own business with social media. I wasn't kidding when I said I've started a YouTube channel every time I get an idea. But it ALWAYS flops. ALWAYS. Because I give up too quickly. I want to be able to do it and be successful at it.
Most importantly, I want to finish my book. On top of all of what I just said, this one is the one that means more to me than anything. Except my health and weight. I've been working on the damn thing for two years and keep going months without working on it. I NEED to finish it. I want to publish it before next year and dammit I'm going to if it kills me.
I know that's a LOT, but I'm formulating a plan to get the ball rolling on a lot of this. The first step is discovering what I need to improve in order to get these all started.
First things first: admitting that I have a LOT to work on.
My weight
My social skills
My maturity
My laziness
My impulsiveness
And most importantly: My outlook.
No time like the present, right?
Step One: Get it off my chest, then get up and fucking do it.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
I Have Always Been the Fat Kid
When I was a child, I was bullied relentlessly by my peers.
The main target of their aggression was always my weight. I remember being 10 years old and weighing a good 90 or so pounds. It didn't come as a shock to me, but it still stung.
In high school, I slimmed out a little bit. However, this didn't last forever. I would put on a few, lose a few, put on a few, lose a few. In my senior year, I breached 200 pounds.
During my first marriage, I ballooned to 285 pounds at the peak. I became comfortable; too comfortable.
When I divorced my first husband, I lost a lot of weight and happily sat at 164 pounds. I hadn't weighed that little since high school.
This didn't last too long. When I started dating my husband now, I started to slowly inflate like a hot air balloon.
Now, 4 years later, married for almost a year to a wonderful man, I've become complacent once again and sit back at 263.5 pounds.
I have always been the fat kid. Ever since the bullying years (the Dark Ages I call them), I have always been that round, plump little punching bag. Amongst my friends, I still feel that title fits me. While not all of my friends are supermodel thin, I still feel that the weight sits on me in the ugliest way it possibly can.
I have sagging upper arms, a kangaroo pouch I hide with high rise jeans, thighs that mock Redwood trunks, jowls that jiggle when I laugh, and these weird as fuck rolls that seem to connect with my boobs so they just make them look like man boobs.
Keep in mind, my husband always tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, etc. That's what husbands are supposed to say, but he is genuine about it. This doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and hating the face that stares frowning back at me.
I have always been the fat kid. I still am. When I lost that weight four years ago, I was over the moon. I looked fucking fantastic and I really wish that I hadn't found complacency again. But I did and I only have myself to blame.
I lost all that weight doing juice fasts and I didn't take into account that all I lost really was water weight. It came back so quickly.
I'll look at my best friend all the time and just gush at her body. Not in a sexual way, but seriously. She's a fucking hottie. She has this perfect hourglass curve about her. Nice ass. Nicely sculpted jawline with not a single ounce of fat. But she isn't TOO skinny, you know what I mean? Standing next to her makes me feel like the fat character you always see in cartoon films.
The one that's there for comic relief. The one you barely see, but giggle at because when she falls down, and jiggles, you laugh because you've become conditioned to think fat people are hilarious.
We can't help it, a lot of our society is built around physical beauty.
That isn't what I want to achieve though. I know that I am a beautiful woman to my husband and friends. But I want to feel that same affection toward myself. Not just physically, but emotionally.
When I look at myself in a mirror these days, or rather any time I ever have in my life, I don't see a beautiful woman. I see a blob. And sometimes I expect to be noticed by horror film directors that want to cast me as The Blob in a re imagining of the 1958 cult film.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my stomach slowly ooze downward into this kind of....mass that lays tucked between my knees and boobs. When my husband holds me at night, it bugs me that his arm can't seem to go all the way around my waist.
I'm so fucking tired of feeling these things.
I've been tired for a while.
I've tried many diets in my life. Fad diets, quick fix diets, you name it, I've tried it. You know what my fucking problem is?
I get bored.
I get impatient.
I want to stay in my comfort zone and I don't want anyone to penetrate that.
That's my huge issue. When I start a diet, I'm all jazzed about it at first.
I'll tell EVERYONE I know what I'm doing and feed off of the support and encouraging words. I'll do great for about a week and then I have the "cheat day". I have that because I can feel the temptation slowly creeping its way back up my brain stem. After the cheat day, I slow down a little. I realize that this is harder than I thought it'd be and I start to feel the withdrawal from lack of sugar and carbs. So I have another cheat day. After that second one, it's all downhill from there.
Whatever I might have lost, I gain it back in the blink of an eye.
But do you know where that problem starts?
I tell everyone I know before I even start.
That's one of the biggest problems in dieting: If you tell ANYONE what you're doing, for some reason it ruins your chances.
At least it has in my experience.
And do you know why?
Because now, you've set up expectations from not just yourself but everyone around you.
The pressure builds, and eventually you feel like you can't live up to those expectations anymore.
So, why did I start a blog about it? Wouldn't that be counterproductive considering what I just said?
No. See the thing is, if I tell people I don't know, people whose faces I can't see, I don't feel they expect as much as people who know me and see me every single day. That's another fucking problem I have honestly.
The people around me seem to expect so much from me, and that is a lot of pressure. ESPECIALLY from my mother. I love her to death, but I know how much she expects from me in multiple areas, so much so it can be stifling at times. I try my best, but sometimes I don't feel I try hard enough.
So in starting a blog, I feel detached. Because really this is my goal. MINE. No one else's, but I have to keep some kind of record for the future.
Sure I could just keep a journal. But I don't much like writing with a pen. And to be honest, my ego as a writer compels me to share what I write and what I have to say. It's a bit of a vice if I'm being honest.
Also, admittedly, I don't mind encouragement every now and again. So I suppose you could say this is just our little secret.
For me and for whoever the hell you are.
I'm not even telling my husband. I admit, the thought of hearing him ask "Have you lost weight?" kind of makes me giddy. Because I know he'll notice. He likes to hold me around the waist. And as it hopefully shrinks over time, hearing that will make me happy. I just hope I don't burst and let out our little secret.
I'm not even telling my 3 best friends. None of them. Honestly it's because I don't want the novel loads of advice they'll pile on top of me. (If they ever see this in the future, I'm sorry guys but I do need to do this on my own for once.) It's not that I don't appreciate their advice. It's that I've become somewhat dependent on that. And that's not fair. I shouldn't burden any of them with asking what I should do.
One thing I've figured out over the course of my life is that the only time I ever get anything productive done is if I do it alone. I may be a team player in other areas, but with things that take this much dedication, I have to do it solo. Otherwise, it won't get done. That's just how I roll I guess.
If you are here, thanks for being here. I don't mean to sound off putting. I really do appreciate you if you are here.
You can sit back quietly and read whatever I post about whatever is happening during this process that is so horridly named "weight loss". Or you can comment. Whichever you prefer.
You could call this the first step on a LONG path.
So, what's the plan? How am I going to do this?
Well for starters, I'm cutting soda. (Good bye, sweet Root Beer. You are the nectar of life and I'm going to miss you.)
This is something I watched my friend Bernie (who I call brother) do a long time ago. He slimmed down FAST after cutting that bull shit from his life.
I'm also going to avoid....chocolate. Good bye, basic white bitch snack of ages. I'll miss you, too. Chocolate is a HUGE vice for anyone struggling with weight issues. So is ice cream. Which is also off the menu.
God dammit.
I'm going to cut down on the bread intake. Which sucks when you're Italian. This means anything carb loaded is going on the back burner. Fuck...just saying that makes me wanna eat some of the leftover pasta in the fridge. But I won't.
These seem typical and kind of obvious, I know. But I have to tell myself these things. Because I always somehow find an excuse to bring them back into my diet and I can't do that.
I remember at one point I lost 50 pounds during my juicing days, in between fasts mind you, while I was still eating regular food just by taking lots of walks. I have a new puppy, and she needs to be leash trained.
So there I'll kill two birds with one massive stone. I like to take walks, I just need to work up the gumption to do it. And in the Arizona heat, it's not always easy.
BUT it looks like Monsoon Season is finally here, so the evenings will be much cooler and therefore it'll be more tempting to go outside and take a walk. I have routes planned. I might even go to the park. Where there are.....people.....
I won't JUST take walks, I also have little workouts planned for before I go to work. I even threw in some yoga plans. Yoga for weight loss. My sister does yoga all the time and she's a freaking beauty. Gotta count for something, right?
I'm not counting calories. Because fuck that. I've done that so many times before, and while it works for some people it really isn't for everyone. So I'm not doing it. Period.
What I WILL do however is watch my portions. Because that IS an issue I struggle with.
Pizza? 4 slices please.
Not anymore. Because I'm not gonna eat pizza. (I'm dying inside. But I'll live again.)
The short of it is I'm cutting the bad crap and I'm gonna be more active. My lifestyle is horrifically sedentary. I drive a medi-cab that takes people to doctor's offices. So I sit, all day. Unless I get out to stretch my legs. Then when I get home I'm on my laptop most of the time.
I've gotta get out more. But there are.....people.....
Here's to the start of it. Whether I'll have anyone reading this or not, I don't know. But it is nice to get this all into a constructive setting. Writing is something I wanna do for a living, because it's what I am best at. So there's no better way to get the ball rolling on this really.
Again, if you're here, GREAT! I'd love to see more of you.
Fingers crossed, everyone. It's gonna be a bumpy, if not jiggly, ride to the main goal of 140 pounds.
If you're counting, that's 123.5 pounds to lose.
Catch you on the flip side.
The main target of their aggression was always my weight. I remember being 10 years old and weighing a good 90 or so pounds. It didn't come as a shock to me, but it still stung.
In high school, I slimmed out a little bit. However, this didn't last forever. I would put on a few, lose a few, put on a few, lose a few. In my senior year, I breached 200 pounds.
During my first marriage, I ballooned to 285 pounds at the peak. I became comfortable; too comfortable.
When I divorced my first husband, I lost a lot of weight and happily sat at 164 pounds. I hadn't weighed that little since high school.
This didn't last too long. When I started dating my husband now, I started to slowly inflate like a hot air balloon.
Now, 4 years later, married for almost a year to a wonderful man, I've become complacent once again and sit back at 263.5 pounds.
I have always been the fat kid. Ever since the bullying years (the Dark Ages I call them), I have always been that round, plump little punching bag. Amongst my friends, I still feel that title fits me. While not all of my friends are supermodel thin, I still feel that the weight sits on me in the ugliest way it possibly can.
I have sagging upper arms, a kangaroo pouch I hide with high rise jeans, thighs that mock Redwood trunks, jowls that jiggle when I laugh, and these weird as fuck rolls that seem to connect with my boobs so they just make them look like man boobs.
Keep in mind, my husband always tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, etc. That's what husbands are supposed to say, but he is genuine about it. This doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and hating the face that stares frowning back at me.
I have always been the fat kid. I still am. When I lost that weight four years ago, I was over the moon. I looked fucking fantastic and I really wish that I hadn't found complacency again. But I did and I only have myself to blame.
I lost all that weight doing juice fasts and I didn't take into account that all I lost really was water weight. It came back so quickly.
I'll look at my best friend all the time and just gush at her body. Not in a sexual way, but seriously. She's a fucking hottie. She has this perfect hourglass curve about her. Nice ass. Nicely sculpted jawline with not a single ounce of fat. But she isn't TOO skinny, you know what I mean? Standing next to her makes me feel like the fat character you always see in cartoon films.
The one that's there for comic relief. The one you barely see, but giggle at because when she falls down, and jiggles, you laugh because you've become conditioned to think fat people are hilarious.
We can't help it, a lot of our society is built around physical beauty.
That isn't what I want to achieve though. I know that I am a beautiful woman to my husband and friends. But I want to feel that same affection toward myself. Not just physically, but emotionally.
When I look at myself in a mirror these days, or rather any time I ever have in my life, I don't see a beautiful woman. I see a blob. And sometimes I expect to be noticed by horror film directors that want to cast me as The Blob in a re imagining of the 1958 cult film.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my stomach slowly ooze downward into this kind of....mass that lays tucked between my knees and boobs. When my husband holds me at night, it bugs me that his arm can't seem to go all the way around my waist.
I'm so fucking tired of feeling these things.
I've been tired for a while.
I've tried many diets in my life. Fad diets, quick fix diets, you name it, I've tried it. You know what my fucking problem is?
I get bored.
I get impatient.
I want to stay in my comfort zone and I don't want anyone to penetrate that.
That's my huge issue. When I start a diet, I'm all jazzed about it at first.
I'll tell EVERYONE I know what I'm doing and feed off of the support and encouraging words. I'll do great for about a week and then I have the "cheat day". I have that because I can feel the temptation slowly creeping its way back up my brain stem. After the cheat day, I slow down a little. I realize that this is harder than I thought it'd be and I start to feel the withdrawal from lack of sugar and carbs. So I have another cheat day. After that second one, it's all downhill from there.
Whatever I might have lost, I gain it back in the blink of an eye.
But do you know where that problem starts?
I tell everyone I know before I even start.
That's one of the biggest problems in dieting: If you tell ANYONE what you're doing, for some reason it ruins your chances.
At least it has in my experience.
And do you know why?
Because now, you've set up expectations from not just yourself but everyone around you.
The pressure builds, and eventually you feel like you can't live up to those expectations anymore.
So, why did I start a blog about it? Wouldn't that be counterproductive considering what I just said?
No. See the thing is, if I tell people I don't know, people whose faces I can't see, I don't feel they expect as much as people who know me and see me every single day. That's another fucking problem I have honestly.
The people around me seem to expect so much from me, and that is a lot of pressure. ESPECIALLY from my mother. I love her to death, but I know how much she expects from me in multiple areas, so much so it can be stifling at times. I try my best, but sometimes I don't feel I try hard enough.
So in starting a blog, I feel detached. Because really this is my goal. MINE. No one else's, but I have to keep some kind of record for the future.
Sure I could just keep a journal. But I don't much like writing with a pen. And to be honest, my ego as a writer compels me to share what I write and what I have to say. It's a bit of a vice if I'm being honest.
Also, admittedly, I don't mind encouragement every now and again. So I suppose you could say this is just our little secret.
For me and for whoever the hell you are.
I'm not even telling my husband. I admit, the thought of hearing him ask "Have you lost weight?" kind of makes me giddy. Because I know he'll notice. He likes to hold me around the waist. And as it hopefully shrinks over time, hearing that will make me happy. I just hope I don't burst and let out our little secret.
I'm not even telling my 3 best friends. None of them. Honestly it's because I don't want the novel loads of advice they'll pile on top of me. (If they ever see this in the future, I'm sorry guys but I do need to do this on my own for once.) It's not that I don't appreciate their advice. It's that I've become somewhat dependent on that. And that's not fair. I shouldn't burden any of them with asking what I should do.
One thing I've figured out over the course of my life is that the only time I ever get anything productive done is if I do it alone. I may be a team player in other areas, but with things that take this much dedication, I have to do it solo. Otherwise, it won't get done. That's just how I roll I guess.
If you are here, thanks for being here. I don't mean to sound off putting. I really do appreciate you if you are here.
You can sit back quietly and read whatever I post about whatever is happening during this process that is so horridly named "weight loss". Or you can comment. Whichever you prefer.
You could call this the first step on a LONG path.
So, what's the plan? How am I going to do this?
Well for starters, I'm cutting soda. (Good bye, sweet Root Beer. You are the nectar of life and I'm going to miss you.)
This is something I watched my friend Bernie (who I call brother) do a long time ago. He slimmed down FAST after cutting that bull shit from his life.
I'm also going to avoid....chocolate. Good bye, basic white bitch snack of ages. I'll miss you, too. Chocolate is a HUGE vice for anyone struggling with weight issues. So is ice cream. Which is also off the menu.
God dammit.
I'm going to cut down on the bread intake. Which sucks when you're Italian. This means anything carb loaded is going on the back burner. Fuck...just saying that makes me wanna eat some of the leftover pasta in the fridge. But I won't.
These seem typical and kind of obvious, I know. But I have to tell myself these things. Because I always somehow find an excuse to bring them back into my diet and I can't do that.
I remember at one point I lost 50 pounds during my juicing days, in between fasts mind you, while I was still eating regular food just by taking lots of walks. I have a new puppy, and she needs to be leash trained.
So there I'll kill two birds with one massive stone. I like to take walks, I just need to work up the gumption to do it. And in the Arizona heat, it's not always easy.
BUT it looks like Monsoon Season is finally here, so the evenings will be much cooler and therefore it'll be more tempting to go outside and take a walk. I have routes planned. I might even go to the park. Where there are.....people.....
I won't JUST take walks, I also have little workouts planned for before I go to work. I even threw in some yoga plans. Yoga for weight loss. My sister does yoga all the time and she's a freaking beauty. Gotta count for something, right?
I'm not counting calories. Because fuck that. I've done that so many times before, and while it works for some people it really isn't for everyone. So I'm not doing it. Period.
What I WILL do however is watch my portions. Because that IS an issue I struggle with.
Pizza? 4 slices please.
Not anymore. Because I'm not gonna eat pizza. (I'm dying inside. But I'll live again.)
The short of it is I'm cutting the bad crap and I'm gonna be more active. My lifestyle is horrifically sedentary. I drive a medi-cab that takes people to doctor's offices. So I sit, all day. Unless I get out to stretch my legs. Then when I get home I'm on my laptop most of the time.
I've gotta get out more. But there are.....people.....
Here's to the start of it. Whether I'll have anyone reading this or not, I don't know. But it is nice to get this all into a constructive setting. Writing is something I wanna do for a living, because it's what I am best at. So there's no better way to get the ball rolling on this really.
Again, if you're here, GREAT! I'd love to see more of you.
Fingers crossed, everyone. It's gonna be a bumpy, if not jiggly, ride to the main goal of 140 pounds.
If you're counting, that's 123.5 pounds to lose.
Catch you on the flip side.
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