I realize it's been MONTHS since I've started this.
I admit, I haven't even begun to step forward into my goals.
I could spoon feed excuses as to why, but I won't bore any of you with those. Because that's all they are: excuses.
Sure, stress takes a huge toll on people doing this sort of thing, but I've given excuses all of my life and I honestly don't think now is the time to keep giving them.
So, I'll cut right to the chase. I'm still doing this.
I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple of days. I don't just want to lose weight, I want to change a lot of things. It seems a little typical around this time of year.
New Year's is approaching, the time where everyone makes empty promises and only 50% of the people making them keep them. But I have this feeling that if there's a time to change it's now. I can't really explain why.
It could be that I'm watching everyone around me do these great things and I'm not. I've always made great plans but left those plans in the junk drawer after only a couple of days or weeks. I'll start a YouTube channel, get overwhelmed and give up. I'll start trying to lose weight, try it, give up. I'll think of an exciting book idea, start it, give up.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. My mom has always told me I'm the most determined person she knows, that when I want something, dammit I'm gonna get it.
And she's right. In a lot of things I have literally put my teeth to the grind stone and gotten things done and succeeded. And yet...here I am. 29, working at the post office, no room to move upward at all, in debt, depressed, fat, and quite frankly bored.
I see people my age accomplishing all these glorious things and I have nothing to show for myself. I often ask myself why that is. Like with this blog. After that first post I was jazzed about getting the ball rolling and yet...I didn't do anything with it.
I mean...I'm down 3 pounds, but I didn't work for it. I got stressed and sick. That's all.
After I wrote that first post, I was so determined to get it right, and then I just...I dunno. I guess I crumbled under the weight of my own expectations.
Maybe that's my problem. Not just worrying about other people's expectations, but also my own.
In everything I try to do I have this "Overnight" mentality. If things don't work out right away, I get so impatient. I get so sick of myself when it comes to that.
But, in thinking about all of this the past few days, I kind of had an epiphany.
While working today, I was thinking about all of the things I want to improve about myself.
That's when it hit me, the word IMPROVE was new.
Whenever I try to do something new, it's because I'm trying to change myself. Not for the better or (god forbid) the worst, but just in general. I try to change who I am, what I do and how I do it rather than just accepting that a lot of what I do is flawed and trying to improve it.
I couldn't believe it when I thought of it. I honestly felt kind of like a dumbass.
Ok I am a dumbass, but hear me out.
I'm not a perfect person. I know this. Everyone knows they're not perfect. But with me, I've never really...liked myself. And yet I advocate for self love and being true to yourself and all that Disney Princess style advice you hear all the time. Because I believe in it...just not when it comes to myself.
So then I thought "If I'm so insistent on people being that way for themselves, why am I not like that for myself?" And then I thought "Is that why nothing seems to be going anywhere for me? Because I keep trying to change rather than improve?"
Now there's a thought.
Mom, if you're reading this, you can take full credit for it all. Because as usual, you're right.
You always were and you always are.
She's always told me stuff like this, but as the stereotypical child I am, I never LISTEN. I mean...I listen...but I don't LISTEN.
I hear the words but I don't absorb them and take them to heart when I very well should.
For YEARS she's told me to just think about things that need improvement and work on myself, take better care of myself, work on stuff.
In my mind that always meant "Change what you're doing."
Instead of "Improve what you're already doing."
Sure, change is good in some ways. But in this case, I don't need it.
I just need to improve myself. While I'm not perfect, I know somewhere deep down that I'm not complete scum. I just need to scrub a little to see myself more clearly.
So, know what I'm gonna do?
Not only am I going to lose the weight I wanna lose, with hard work, I'm going to improve a few other things about myself that quite frankly have needed a spit shine for a while now.
Sounds so girly...which I'm usually not, but...I want to improve how I present myself.
Most girls use makeup for this, every time I've worn makeup it's been kind of a flop. I'm not good at it. So I wanna improve those skills.
I also want to work on doing my own hair in cute ways and shit. Just because I want to look nice, you know? Not even necessarily for anyone else, sometimes it's nice to look...nice...even if it's just for yourself.
I want to clear up my skin. I have terrible acne and I admit, I'm not exactly IN with the routines that other women have to keep their skin looking super clear and all...porcelainy.
I want to grow my hair out. LONG. This is something I've thought of doing for years. Yet every time I get to the halfway point I cut my hair off. It bugs eeeeeeveryone around me that I do this. I have super thick hair, so that's always my excuse.
I want to become more organized.
Admittedly, living with a man who thinks that organizing his socks means throwing them in one big ball into the drawer has kind of tampered with my head. I can be a neat freak sometimes, but other times I look at him and just say "Fuck it. I don't wanna fold my socks." Which I really should because that drawer is a mess. But not just in a cleanliness sort of way either.
I want to be able to balance my life better. Balance my finances, my hobbies, my work, and time with the people I care about. I admit, I'm not that great when it comes to that. Most of the time if I'm not working or spending time with my husband, I'm vegging out. How basic white bitch of me....eww.
I want to learn a new hobby. Like guitar or piano. Or improve my singing. I have these fantasies of doing a cover channel on YouTube but my singing is sub par and I can only play the flute. Can't exactly sing and do that at the same time.
I also want to improve my video editing. I LOVE to do it. I like creating cool stuff on my laptop just from video clips and music. I have a few made up that people have really liked. I want more of that. And better too.
I want to have a workout routine. I don't just wanna do it once or twice a week and call it good. I want to make it a part of what I do every day. Ok maybe not every SINGLE day but at least something. They say that repetition creates a habit and it's very true. I wanna be able to become a healthy person and do stuff like that. It would also give me more time to spend with my dogs. They need more walks, they deserve it.
This one is a little silly, but I want to start a new Instagram just for pictures of whatever I feel like posting. And I want to make it interesting. I love photography, and it's something I've been wanting to get back into. I want my camera back first. But I have so many ideas I just want to share with people.
I want to start my own business with social media. I wasn't kidding when I said I've started a YouTube channel every time I get an idea. But it ALWAYS flops. ALWAYS. Because I give up too quickly. I want to be able to do it and be successful at it.
Most importantly, I want to finish my book. On top of all of what I just said, this one is the one that means more to me than anything. Except my health and weight. I've been working on the damn thing for two years and keep going months without working on it. I NEED to finish it. I want to publish it before next year and dammit I'm going to if it kills me.
I know that's a LOT, but I'm formulating a plan to get the ball rolling on a lot of this. The first step is discovering what I need to improve in order to get these all started.
First things first: admitting that I have a LOT to work on.
My weight
My social skills
My maturity
My laziness
My impulsiveness
And most importantly: My outlook.
No time like the present, right?
Step One: Get it off my chest, then get up and fucking do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment