I'm So Fucking Hungry

Now, I've dieted plenty of times before.

Or...at least I TRIED to.

I've done a 60 day juice fast, and succeeded. Losing 54 pounds in the process in 2011. I've done others since then, but for shorter periods just as a quick detox.

I've tried Weight Watchers, Atkins, Garcinia Cambogia, you name it, I've tried it in the past.

Not ONCE have I simply resorted to cutting back and watching portions like I am now. And I've gotta say...

I am SO...FUCKING....HUNGRY...

I'm gonna admit, although I'm sure I have already, that I was TERRIBLE with my eating. I probably ate enough for 3 people each day before realizing I needed a change. That's when I did the juice fast in 2011. However, after I officially lost 100 pounds by doing that and the fasts I did afterward, I slowly made my way back into the bad eating habits.

Not NEARLY as bad as I was before 2011, but still bad.

If I could on any given day, I would eat an entire pizza on my own. Shameful? Yah, without a doubt. I'm definitely not proud of it.

And to be honest, I was sooooo bad during the holidays. I tried to be good, but my mother just makes so much good shit. The last four days or so before the first, I binged. Thinking to myself "This is the last time I'm ever gonna eat like this." So I had whatever I  could get my chubby little fingers on. Pizza, eclairs, burgers, tacos, greasy, greasy, greasy shit.

Yesterday, I did pretty well keeping an eye on myself. Even with temptations staring me in the face. Like my husband's soda, sitting abandoned on the nightstand...slowly going flat. Just knowing it was there was kind of torturous. But I persevered. Every time I went to the fridge to refill my water, I'd see the box of leftover Christmas cookies. But I didn't touch them.

Just knowing there are things here and there is what's driving my brain just a little nuts.

I'm not starving myself, but going cold turkey on a diet isn't easy. Maybe not the wisest choice, but honestly it's worked for me quitting other things. Gradual descents just doesn't work for me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how just yesterday and today have gone. But man...no matter how much water I drink to compensate, I can't help but notice the whine like groan of my belly. Like it's just begging for me to fill it up with greasy crap. I don't wanna. I won't. But good GOD is it tempting.

I AM however doing very well with my workouts. Even when my lazily programmed brain tries to talk me out of doing some movement, I end up doing it anyway. I did my morning Yoga, which felt fantastic on my achy muscles. (No sarcasm here, I really do love yoga. I don't know why I don't do it as often as I should.). I did a short session of morning cardio, and went to work. The moment I got home I went for my walk.

I have no other workouts planned for today. Baby steps.

While gradual descents aren't my thing, gradually ascending is something I know I NEED to do. The last time I tried to workout in very long sessions without getting my body used to it, I suffered greatly and I gave up FAST. That's why I've planned my first month with a gradual increase in activity as the weeks progress. I start the month with 10 minute walks for five days a week and eventually end up taking 1 hour walks. I start with 20-30 minutes or so of working out with a 5 minute cool down stretch. Eventually I would like to work out for an hour a day along with my walks.

I'm taking inspiration from my sister and brother in law here. They're both health nuts, with my sister working out and doing physical therapy for her back as well as keeping a healthy diet, and my brother in law being a passionate body builder. I gotta say, the man has worked hard for what he has and honestly, I didn't know arms could get that big. My sister has busted her butt to stay where she's at and get lower. She used to be ALMOST as heavy as me. She's worked her ass off to get where she is, stay there, and continue to be as active and healthy as possible. I admire them both. They've both constantly tried to give me health advice. Mom has too.

I'm the stubborn one.

I'm the kind of person who just hates...HATES to be nagged about something. If you ask me once to try something, I'll consider it and do it on my own time. Sometimes I forget, so at times a second request for me to do that particular thing won't always irritate me. But if I just haven't found the time or decided I didn't really want to do it, continuously nagging me about it will eventually piss me off.

I'm the kind of  person who has to be self motivating. BECAUSE I'm so stubborn and BECAUSE I can't stand being told what to do, even if it is just a friendly request. Sounds kind a bitchy, but I've been that way since I was a kid. I've tried to improve that, with no luck. It's one of those things I'm planning to work on because I know it's a drag.

Anyway, Day 2 is complete and I'm very happy with it. No matter how my tummy grumbles, I will only feed it healthy, smaller portions than what it's used to until it, too, stops being stubborn.